Privileges not Rights.
 Saturday Feb 27. 
my Master and i had plans to spend time with an longtime, and very dear friend. She is of a open minded, but over all vanilla nature, and though W/we have talked a bit about the lifestyle Master and i share, W/we leave keep things very DL for every ones comfort level. It does afford U/us interesting chances to learn to practice O/our dynamic while not making it overly obvious, a much needed and valuable skill in the lifestyle. 
The reason i bring it up is due to an interesting turn of events, and the resulting revelation that happened. Being a SAM i tend to make smart ass comments. They are not always wise or appreciated by my Master, and i am slowly and painfully learning this. At O/our friend house we were all making dinner, for the vegetable W/we were having brussels sprouts (a personal fav). W/we were going to be eating family style, and O/our friend had dishes out the veggies in small bowls, leaving it up to U/us to ad salt and pepper to O/our taste. Master was closest and added salt and pepper to His dish. Then in a kind gesture He took O/our bowls to place them on the table. i made a remark seeing that He was taking my bowl before i had a chance to season them. "ha ha...i guess salt is a privilege and not a right." i quipped. This joke got the usual look of slight disapproval when He doesn't find me as funny as i do. He then did something i was not expecting, He got very close to me and leaned down and whispered in my ear, "For you, everything is a privilege and not a right." This made me instantly contrite, and if we were not in the company of O/our friend i would have knelt and apologized. Instead i bowed my head and murmured an apology and we went about our evening. This phrase stayed with me, and in quiet moments i rolled it around my mind.
i guess it would seem like an obvious thing to most that this is the reality for a slave bound to her Master. it took me by surprise. i hold a very unique roll in O/our dynamic, i am wife, slave, partner and caregiver. i am all these things at once, but at times i have to be a bit more forward and aggressive. i try to always submit as i should, but there are instances when the wife is needed and the slave in me must act in a more unslave like fashion. Also even though i am willful and still new and in training my Master does not see fit to deny many things to me. So to hear that, and to have a chance to really absorb it and know it rocked me to my very core. All things i have are His, in my decision to become His slave i have chosen to rely on him in all ways. i have surrendered my will in favor of his dominance. It is a choice that i know in my heart is right, and good for us and will lead to a happy life, and do not regret it. But the depth of what that truly means really hit home today. i must say that is has deepened my understanding, and our bond in this way of life. 
This point was further driven home when we arrived back at our home. i put away groceries, and He was preparing for bed. When my tasks were over i went to change into comfy house clothes, He was in the kitchen of out one bedroom apartment. Earlier in the day while i was dressing to leave i had asked him what color panties He wanted me to wear. He had said "Did I tell you to wear panties?" and the subject was dropped. While i was changing later that night, i pulled out a T-shirt and was going to out on panties. When i asked him if i may, having been denied earlier, he said again "did I tell you to wear panties?" . This really drove the epiphany in farther. Even my ability to wear underwear is at his whim. He playfully told me i could wear the panties if i lost the shirt. Since He was going to bed i opted to go nude for a bit. When he was dismissing me, i of curse me being the SAM i am (No Doctor Suess joke intended) i made some remark that i cant even remember. He decided to teach me a lesson and i was told i did not get to wear clothes at all for the night. Clothes are a privilege not a right. Due to the apartment being cold He did allow me to wear a shall, or to use a throw blanket. WOW...i mean really WOW. He gave me the privilege of being able to stay warm. He may not require that i ask permission for every action i make, but He made it very real to me that if i did not behave to His liking He will not be as generous with me. W/we even had the chance to talk about it for a few minuets, and i to he chance to share this new found truth with him. Master looked at me with a sleeping beaming look of approval. 
Yes tonight i learned a very deep lesson. One that will echo in every facet of our dynamic, one i sorely needed to learn. Many would think that this would put up a barrier, or make me resentful and insubordinate. In fact it has done the opposite. He has accorded me a way to more fully submit to Him. He has given me a deeper knowledge of His dominance, making me more fully me, and integrated with my true slave nature. By denying me privileges He has given me more then i could imagine. 

Why and how I got here.
I wish I could have found this site from the very beginning of the journey into the 'kink' lifestyle. I look back and so much has happened in less then a years time. I am not the person I was last year at this time, I am not the same woman I was at Christmas time, personal growth speeding up, and I blissfully caught in the vortex. 
So many beautiful things have been lost to the haze of time, and endorphin laden scenes. Information faded, but stored in my very core, as though it has fused with me. The exact images and words not as sharp but the meaning , feelings and lessons have become a part of me. I find it is no longer a matter of intellect, of my brain knowing the info, it has become some thing else. The things i have learned and still learning are absorbed, becoming part of the whole. I think it is largely due to my heart and mind working together. They no longer war over my life. Mind and heart now have the same goal, to please Him. 
This is not to say that I still don't have days or moments where mind and heart appose each other. When they do, I find it is usually a chance for deep growth, because it prompts me to really delve into the thing that caused the discord. It drives me to unify with in myself. It is one of the most beneficial things that have come about from this journey.
My Master has been crucial to this, as He should be. We are both new to the life style, practicers for a little less then a year, but he has learned so quickly, and has a natural aptitude for dominance. The thing that truly made all of this blossom as it has is love. His every action when dealing with me, His slave, is motivated by love. He knows what I need, he offers to me discipline, guidance and a firm hand when I need it. He never seeks to diminish me because I am submissive and a slave to him. Instead he builds me up and helps me be at one with my true nature. He gives me so much, and works so hard to be the Master he is and I need. He accepts the one thing I can give him that truly matters. It seems worthless in the eyes of many, or some thing trivial, but to him it is the most precious gift that i could ever give. I give him myself. 
I am not perfect, no one is, but even in the flaws he treasures the gift. I can be willful, hard to manage, and an unstable powder keg of emotion at times, he is not blind to these things. Instead he loves them, loves them and me enough to help me to grow past them, and to forgive me when I have transgressed. He can be hard as steel, and gentle as a breeze. The more time that goes by we grow deeper and closer to each other, He is my world. 
There is another person who has affected me on the same level, by different means then my Masters. My sister Alarra. My Master met her in secondlife at a dance club more then a year ago, months before we the journey officially began for He and I. She is the reason it happened at all. They became very close, and they began to talk about everything and nothing in the way dear friends do. I don't know exactly what started them discussing BDSM and kink, but I am glad they did. Alarra being fresh on the scene as well, but very knowledgeable began to mentor him. She was able to open his heart and soul and help him find his true self and needs. She gave him loving support, and resources to come to terms with it all. The effect she has had on he and I has been a miracle. 
Around the time He and I started playing second life, our marriage began to suffer a bit. It would have even if we hadn't started secondlife. All the virtual world did was allow us to speed up the process. We couldn't see what it was, but there was something profoundly wrong in our life. We began to with draw from each other, a gap opening, and we didn't know how to close it or reach the other. We couldn't see what the issue was. She did. In time she helped him realize his need, and helped him allow and embrace the unconventional needs he had. Alarra gave him the gift of himself. We were finally able to talk about it, to share it. throw open the window and let light in, and stand before each other with out the pretense, with out the masks. We were finally able to let out the 'beast' as we call it. Finally able to attain not just true honesty with each other and our selves, but to be able to over each other and ourselves as we needed to, no matter what society thinks on the subject. She saved our marriage. There is nothing in this world that can repay the debt I owe her, because she doesn't see it as a debt. She gives of herself that freely. Such an amazing feat, and so rare. 
So many amazing things have come out of this journey, and each day holds more and new surprises. One of the biggest and most glorious is Alarra becoming my sister. He and she were able to embrace the love they have for each other. She knelt to him and took his collar in the virtual world joining his family which I was not yet a member of in secondlife. She became his second, loving and serving him, and embracing her then alpha Moon as sister. I was the last to join the family, and when I did, she ran to me with open arms and embraced me with the same deep love and respect she had for the others in the family. The instant and profound depth of her acceptance of me still fills me with awe. 
The relationship grew fast and deep, almost effortlessly, and He asked her to wear his collar in real life as well. She became my real life sister as well, and when we had a chance to meet all of us face to face, it was amazing. it just kinda clicked, fell into place and was as natural as breathing. 
Sister is the only word that can describe the bond she and I share through him, and apart from him, but it pales and isn't adequate. There is no word for Alarra's place in my heart, soul and life. I have been honored and blessed to be not just a family member, but also welcomed into the more intimate areas of their dynamic. When the three of us first approached this threshold, I had had a lot of time to think about it. I was worried that I might be an intruder, I didn't want my presence to ruin anything. I knew I trusted and approved of her and their relationship, and had no concerns about it effecting my marriage and dynamic. I truly didn't want to force, or get in the way of something amazing.  I was thinking that we'd become good friends, and sisters of the collar. What came about was a deep friendship, love and a truly deep and amazing relationship and sorority. I was welcomed, and an active participant from the first meeting in real life. Though shy, and inexperienced as we were, we were able to bond and share so much. With the second visit our ties and bond have only deepened. Our Master guided and allowed us to explore each other more deeply, both emotionally and physically. Both ways separate and joined, and illuminated in the soft but brilliant light of our mutual servitude. The thing that makes this truly amazing to me is, Alarra made the choice to submit and embrace this. It was not necessary for them to have the relationship they were building that I be part of the intimate things. She opened herself up to a new experience, and we forged a deeper bond. Each of us vital to the dynamic, and tied to each other because we choose too, and must to be true to ourselves. 
Alarra introduced us to livejounal. I am so thankful. I now have a place to record, and share my journey. I look forward to using this tool to grow and nurture the dynamics and relationships we are building. 


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